I've been in a long season with God that was very practical.
Not a season of spending intimate time together, but mainly being involved in very energy-consuming things regarding work, buying and renovating a house, moving, getting used to living with a visual impairment, and dealing with several other medical issues at the same time.
"Father God gave me this perfect house to make a new start in my life, and He already knew the amount of work it would need. He knew how much energy this season would take and how that would leave little room for me to do things with and for Him"
Father God gave me this perfect house to make a new start in my life, and He already knew the amount of work that the house would need. He knew how much time and energy this season would take. He also knows that I have limited energy and that busy times leave very little room for me to do things with and for Him. He also, when this season started, told me about it would be about doing hard work together, rather than being in a place of intimacy and comfort.
Yet, though He clearly showed me this, I started suffering from guilt issues anyway. I knew that God and I can be so wonderfully close together. Most seasons I notice His presence as soon as I call His name or start to worship, I receive revelation daily, notice His guidance and speak with Him throughout the day. It is so precious to me! Somehow that also left me with the idea that 'anything less than this means that I'm doing something wrong.'
In this season most of those precious daily moments were gone. I hardly ever heard His voice, other than a gentle reminder of His character or something He had told me in the past. I rarely felt His presence and if I did it was but a sliver of what I was used to.
"Guilt did to my mind, what an invasive plant does to a garden: slowly gain more ground, pushing aside healthy and beautiful plants and become more and more dominant."
There weren't any obvious 'attacks of guilt', rather a vague feeling of sadness and failure that slowly invaded my self-worth. A feeling that 'I wasn't a good enough friend to Him' and 'who am I to say anything to other people about Him?'. The thought did in my mind, what an invasive plant does to a garden: slowly gain more ground, push aside healthy and beautiful plants and become more dominant. It did this slow enough for me to get used to the thought and accept it as true and natural. I also had a lot on my mind and was permanently tired and overwhelmed for months on end, which left me more vulnerable for this to happen.
I longed for God so much! But this feeling of failure and worthlessness towards Jesus, stole my voice. It kept me from boldly stepping before His throne and asking Him for the help I needed, no matter how much I longed for it. I also hardly ever wrote any articles, posted none, and rarely created art with Him.
Only towards the end did I start using my voice again and cry out short prayers to the Lord, filled with apologies and pleas.
So now I'm at the end of this season of work.
I wish I could tell you that I saw through it all, and overcame it all like a strong and mighty warrior. But the truth is that I was exhausted and overwhelmed and confused. And that combination made it very hard to recognize and break this cycle.
"He is Gentle and Forgiving. He is a Wonderful Helper and Teacher. So patient and kind."
Now, I see that God, and He alone, is slowly turning up the volume button of our relationship again. Which also reveals very clearly that it was never my fault that He was less tangible and that spending less quality time together was just a natural part of this season.
Oh, thank God, that He is the most amazing Person ever!!
He is gentle and forgiving. He is a wonderful Helper and Teacher. He is so patient and kind... Because a couple of days ago I woke up to Him telling me that He heard it all.
When I wasn't able to cry out to Him, put my pen to paper, or brush to canvas: He heard. He heard my hearts' cries. He heard my unspoken longing and pleas. He heard the things I desired to share.
I'm weeding out the invasive plants, as I a doing in my actual garden, and planting new things to bloom, blossom, and grow fruit.
In a few days, I will be singing on a stage again, and doing live painting sessions during worship.
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