I'm very grateful that I got to grow up learning about the Lord. It has been such protection and it pulled me through many rough times. But being taught how I am supposed to relate to God at such an early age also seems to have firmly planted a scale in my brain. A scale that nearly automatically makes me measure my relationship with the Lord.
The judgment criteria my scale uses are focused on me. On my behavior, my motivation, and my feelings: Do I spend enough time with Him? Do I long for Him enough? Do I read the Bible often enough? Do I feel His presence throughout the day? Do I write and create enough with Him?
I know He loves me unconditionally. He is a Good Father and I have experienced that time and time again! But somehow, deeply hidden in some back room of my brain this scale is still in use.
Please don't get me wrong: I know very well that God is loving, kind, forgiving. I know He loves me unconditionally as His child and that I am welcome to boldly come before His throne. He is a Good Father and I have experienced that time and time again! But somehow, deeply hidden in some back room of my brain this scale is still in use.
It's like I, despite believing in God's love and forgiveness, still keep a hidden track record of myself. Just to make sure I don't accidentally derail and backslide. And while it of course is a great thing to not want to backslide, I am slowly realizing that this scale is my man-made backup plan to God's guidance throughout life.
One of the clear signs that I was way off-base, was an experience with God that I had a while ago:
In connecting with God I sometimes have periods in which God shows me the same place every time I connect with Him. A while ago that was a nomad encampment somewhere in a remote forest. This was 'our place' for about half a year. It was a place where I found rest in His presence.
Since my daily life was challenging at the time and I was going through a healing process, I didn't spend as much time there as I could have. Though God never told me to connect with Him more often, my personal backup scale told me that I wasn't good enough. The more the scale became off-balance, the more guilt started pouring out of it and slowly invaded other rooms in my heart as well.
When nothing happened, I started asking Him a different question. A question that wasn't led by my back-up-judgment-scale and guilt-contaminated-brain.
Then one day I connected with the Lord and saw the encampment again, but it had changed. This time it was covered in a thick layer of snow. I was shocked and the first thought my brain conjured up was: 'God is telling me that my love has grown cold. I need to fix myself asap!'.
I started begging the Lord for forgiveness and asked Him to help me change. Yet when nothing happened after a while, I started asking Him a different question. A question that wasn't led by my back-up-judgment-scale and guilt-contaminated-brain. A question that I would have asked in the first place if I hadn't weighed my behavior in the months before: “Lord, why is the encampment covered in snow?”
His answer was simple: “The season changed.”
Immediately after His answer, he showed me the next season would be one of labor. I saw us gearing up to hike down the mountain we'd been on and many people behind us that would help.
My brain's first response was panic because I had measured my relationship with God in ways He never intended me to. It was nowhere even near what He was trying to say! I was on a completely different planet because I had allowed that human measuring process to hold even the tiniest space in the back of my brain.
Secretly checking up on ourselves isn't an accurate backup system. On the contrary, it is an open door for the enemy to bring in guilt, shame, and religious thoughts.
In Psalm 139:23-24 David cried out to God: “Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.”
God's Word should be our one and only scale. Like David, we need to invite God to search our hearts and paths only. No secret record-keeping “just in case”. Only God.
Secretly checking up on ourselves isn't an accurate backup system. On the contrary, it is an open door for the enemy to bring in guilt, shame, and religious thoughts. In my case, the root of it is fear of backsliding and a lack of trust that He will catch me if I fall. In order to close the door, I need to repent from this.
Do you have a hidden scale? Do you keep a secret record?
Contrary to our own scales, His scale is always balanced with His unmeasurable love, compassion, and grace. And with the problem, He also gives the solution.
He's a good God and He will tell us if we take a wrong path. A good father won't let His children wander off accidentally without letting them know that the path is dangerous.
The best news of it all? God is more loving, patient, and gentle than we could ever be to ourselves. He will measure us honestly and be real with us about what needs to change. But contrary to ourselves, His scale is always balanced with His unmeasurable love, compassion, and grace. And with the problem, He also gives the solution.
Father, I'm sorry that I didn't fully trust Your word. Please forgive me. You have never given me a reason to doubt how You feel about me or to fear that You would just let me drift away from You.
I want to stop keeping my own records of how I relate to you. So I turn my scale over to you. I hand it in. Holy Spirit, I'm so used to this scale that it might be very hard for me to not quickly put another scale in its place. If I do this, please forgive me and help me to change permanently.
Please replace my scale with your Word. Fill me with Your Word. Teach me to trust You, help my unbelief. Close this open door the enemy has in my life and help me never open it up again.
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